*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
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[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Hank is one in a melon.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.