Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
You Might Also Like
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
that colleague who touches your screen
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.