Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
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no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
it is time once again
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*