I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
You Might Also Like
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?