People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
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them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.