Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
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My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?