A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
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[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.