Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
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Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place