BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
You Might Also Like
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.