I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
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Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I’m awake but I object,
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.