* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
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wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
me logging onto twitter
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.