Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
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I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
every single time
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
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