Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
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I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.