me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
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If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.