This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
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If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?