Me if I was a dog
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In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.