[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
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Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Tastes like chicken.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life