Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
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My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
lmaaaaaooooooooo
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot