Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
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Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I have many caverns
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.