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Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Siri, fight Alexa.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣