Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
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Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
The first one, obviously