[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
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Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Expect the unexporcupine.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.