“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
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I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker