Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
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Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.