[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
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pelicons
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
This cat wants you to take your pills
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!