Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake