Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
You Might Also Like
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.