Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
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There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.