It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
You Might Also Like
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat