Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
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“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner