This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
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“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it