How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.