According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
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Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite