My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
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Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle