Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
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[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly