Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
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My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.