I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
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The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.