Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
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I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.