Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
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Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
R.I.P.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
A man of commitment.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.