*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
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At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*