“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
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(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
the council will decide your fate
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I don’t know what to do
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”