ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
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The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]