High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
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People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.