I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
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I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency