I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
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🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
that wasn’t the question
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations