My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
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Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
You’ll be OK
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh