JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
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An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”