*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
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How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
he chose this
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do