[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
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My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
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If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.