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what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Morning.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.